STARBUCKS, SON OF SATAN

Now that Starbucks Corp. has disclosed the 600 locations it wants to shutter, a phenomenon is taking hold: the Save Our Starbucks campaign.

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Oh why didn't we see this coming? That sly, devious motherfucker. I can easily imagine maniacal laughter escaping from the walls of its marketing department right now, that reddish glow creeping out of its slightly opened door.